busy busy...

Haven’t had the time to sit down to write for a while… Guessed I was too tired up with Christmas shopping the past few weeks… Life was pretty quiet too as I didn’t dance for the past 3 weeks. Wow that is a long time! :)

A few highlights these past weeks…

- My laptop crashed again… I dun believed it.

- I’ve suddenly fallen in love with Mac book! Someone said I had a changed of heart that’s why my laptop dead! Haha........

- Got a new fre who will help me setup a Mac and promise to make my transaction from a Windows users to Mac OS as fussy free as possible.

- I had an “orgasmic ride” in doc’s car. Damn fast and so thrilling. Sound of the engine is so beyond description, never heard anything that manly. Anyhow there is no beta word rite? (that is wat we both agreed on).

- Made up with Francis (as friend). Had dinner with him that day and it really amuses me how someone can party as hard as him! Haha...

It’s 4 days away to a new year. Will take the next few days to do some reflection.

Busy day/ bad news/ funny doc

Wat a busy day at work…. Non stop almost went insane!!! At the end of “market close” my hair was in a messed and I realized that I didn’t go toilet the whole day despite drinking water! (I called it “market” close becos no more shipments can be made after that). Anyway, tomw is another tough day, can't wait for stan and eve to be back… sob… I missed them…

I received a bad news yest from the oncology. The tumor in my dad had sort of invaded into his liver. The ct scan did earlier this week shows invasion that was not previously there. According to the doc, it seems like it’s now in 4th stage. I don’t know what to say, all I could managed was to ask the oncologist if we should let my dad know. It's very disheartening to know that the chemo sessions he went thru is not helping. Sigh… …….

Well at least doc managed to cheer me up a little after tat with some msg-es. Anyway, I replied after tat and so we ended up chatting… over sms again… oh he’s really quite funny and creative. One of the sms goes…
Doc: if u wish, u have d option of banking in our ebank fixed time deposit, with 0.1 wish per annum.. After banking ten years, u will have one more extra wish. ;)

Haha…

Ok back to work now… gotta finish some orders before I go for my “body movement” class.

(If i have a wish now... all I hope now is my dad will get well).

Hope this week fly pass quickly

It's gonna be a busy week with 2 other of my colleagues out .... ! Plus I'm having a sore throat and cough... sob.... I'm really looking forward to Friday evening, not going anywhere but rest!

Happening week

Was really too lazy and busy to write lately. Weekends were mostly packed with activities and so very precious. So let me recap back and unfold the past encounters recently...hmmm...

- Movie Craze:
** Happy Feet:
Watched with salsa group, total 8 of us. That was after the "LUST, CAUTION BACHATA NITE" @ Bar None by Groove... sucks big time. Hardly time for us to really dance and before we knew it, the event was over. Felt cheated of our $10. :@ At least the show was cute.

** James Bond:
Saw this with mr JB after salsa nite. I got a shock when he gave me a rose! I really din know how to react. Anyway it kind of scares me even more when he brought a jacket for me thinking that the cinema will be cold… and half way thru the movie, e cinema was quite stuffy and warm, he start fanning me thru-out the show. I dunno if I felt touched or scared that he seems so attentive of my each and every move. I think more of the latter.

** Battle of Wits:
Saw this with my dance idol @ Vivo. I think I prefect looking at him dancing. haha

** Just Friends:
Watched with keryn, John and FF. It was ok. A part of the movie kinda made me wonder if it is true. It says that when 2 parties (a guy and a gal) fall into a routine of comfort friendship, it became hard for them to be a couple.... hmmmm.... I really wonder. Probably I need to do a little survey and ask ard if there is any truth in this theory.

Actually come to think of it.... none of my relationship is formed out of long lasting friendship. I have never been with a guy I m friend with for a long time. It was mostly developed during the initial stage of discovering the person. I think I tend to like excitement. The trill of discovering the person's character and past excites me. I enjoyed the initial stage of discovering, it's like opening up many presents all nicely wrapped, the thought of not knowing what is inside each of these boxes spurred me to want to quickly open and discover it. So while I'm so immersed in opening these presents, I accept all good and bad gifts inside these with no time to reject. haha... well... that is my silly analogy abt myself... i dunno why I associate it with presents, mayb becos of the Christmas mood I’m in. haha. So this Christmas, I tell myself I will take time to select my "gift"...

- New friend:
I gotta know a new friend who became an sms pal over the weekend. He was actually my dad's surgeon. A very young and cute doc. Ofcos he left an impression as he was the one who broke the painful news to us abt my dad's cancer. He patiently explained the whole illness and operation procedure to us. And he was also the doc that came to talk to mum and me after the operation, telling us the tumor can’t be removed. I remembered that I was really trying so hard holding my tears back in front of him, not wanting to cry in front of a stranger least a doc who had already done his best. My eyes were swam with tears and I remembered his face looking so sad not knowing what to say to us. The other docs don’t seems to look as emotional as him, I remembered.

After that we had 2-3 sms exchanges on some medical advises. And surprisingly, just last Tues he sends an sms asking abt my dad. I was really surprised….

... so this was how I gotta know doc more thru many sms-es over the weekends.... Found out he's 30 (despite his super young and cute face). I thought he was 27 but the way he speaks sure sounded like an experienced doc. He studied in UK since sec 2 just so to skip a few years! Spent 9yrs in UK! He worked long hours due to his specialty. He certainly has got a sense of humor. haha.

Lasik...I Can See Clearly Now

I Can See Clearly Now ... ...

***LYRICS***

... I can see clearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way. Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind. It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

Oh yes, I can make it now the pain is gone. All of the bad feelings have disappeared. Here is the rainbow I've been praying for. It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.(ooh...) .........

Look all around, there's nothing but blue skies. Look straight ahead, there's nothing but blue skies. I can seeclearly now the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in myway. Here's the rainbow I've been praying for.

It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day. It's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day. Real, real, real, real bright (bright) bright (bright)sunshiny day. Yeah,hey, it's gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sunshiny day.

My Sat without salsa ...

Was supposed to go Sentosa today but was raining cats and dogs the whole day! Sigh… my outing was postponed to dinner instead. Which also means that I cant meet my idol (who dated me on tues) for dinner and also means that I can’t go to usq !! ok the dinner with my idol is not a big deal, but not going to dance tonite was quite disappointing. I just felt that something was missing the whole sat nite. It’s like this constant craving for something… that is a dance of salsa… haha… I m going salsa mad… (an addiction).

Adding the fact that I’m going for my lasik this tues… which means that I cant dance for like 2 weeks? AAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…… I dun know how I’m going to survived without salsa for so long. Sob sob….

Someone told me something today that seems rather disturbing. To sum it all up… all good men are already married. Oh dear, really? It’s quite disheartening to hear that even at his age now, he doesn’t seems to know what he really wants after all. He said he has this list of criteria’s that he look for in his partners, but after all the filtering, it seems that he was left with like none...

I sat there listening in a dazed…. I dun know what is more disturbing; the fact that all good men seems to be married (really??) or I might not know what I want after all, just like him!

Frankly, all I know now is I need to find myself. I told myself that the next relationship I enter into, I should not go into it thinking that this person will help fill the void in me. I should not go into a relationship thinking that it is going to bring me happiness but rather I should be bringing happiness to the relationship. I finally understand the statement of “it takes 2 to make things worked, but one must be full by itself.” Somehow this statement hasn’t been clearer to me, than these past weeks.

Our 1st Salsa Party

Wow we had lotsa yummy food, lotsa laughter, lotsa dancing, lotsa practices, lotsa bonding, lotsa fun, lotsa everything today!

I think our salsa party turned up great! Close to 40ple came. Not too bad for the first time. Think we should have more of such party in future!

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That's the Reuda Group....

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Bachata with Guowei...





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Salsa with Boon.... lotsa spinning!






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Oh... my fav song..."no me ames" with Nick.

Becos there were fewer gals than guys, I think I really dance a lot. So much so my leg aches by the end of the nite. We started dancing abt 7pm almost non stop till 11pm.

Tried a little of my shoulder roll, and dance twice to my fav song, “No me ames”.

I was telling DK on the way back that it’s addictive. It’s like the more you dance, the more u want to do better, to perfect my move and add more styling and make my dance more groovy and sensual. But how to do that? I’m not too sure if by attending more class will help? Perhaps!

DK made a statement today, “ dun need to dance like performance team standard. It’s just a dance for the fun of it. If by perfecting it means stressing yourself over it, then it’s no longer relaxing and fun doing this past time…”

haha, he sums up my sentiments exactly. I think this is why I felt so at ease dancing with him.

Date nite

I dun know what’s up today? Suddenly I have so many ple asking me out !

1) my idol - someone I admire a lot in union, super good dancer, very charming and charismatic guy, very mature, damn sexy when he dance merengue, He was the one who taught me how to listen to beats, and I used to stand afar just admiring the way he moves…. Well I still do now.. haha… just that recently we have been talking more since the day he knew that I was no longer attached…. Yup he asked me out for dinner then union. I was so excited when I saw the sms… but…….. ……………… haha… I dunno why I turned him down… maybe I like it just keeping it this way.

2) DK - asked me out for a movie….. ahya that is becos there’s this movie abt dancing (step up) that’s why he ask me for movie…. I know he treats me like his buddy…. Cos he said so during one of the dinner we had.

3) my friendster friend (FF) - came as a surprised when he ask me for movie over msn. I was shocked and excited ofcos. Well he certainly got the looks. But recently knowing more of him during our msn chat, I got a little scared cos he said he’s bad temper and mcp. I also felt that he’s someone who needs lots of space of his own. Suddenly he reminds me of my ex that I almost freak out…! I dunno, I think my recent relationship really gave me a phobia in meeting another like my ex again. My gf told me I should not let my past experiences put me off into knowing him. Ya I know… just a little scared mah.

4) JB – also a salsa dance. Very good and super sensual and fanciful one. So fanciful that I feel very stress when dancing with him. But he’s one dancer that gives you the feel that you’re all that matters during the dance. So much so that it made me scared and uncomfortable. Maybe becos he’s too good and I’m just a plain subtle dancer with not much styling to comprehend him. Anyway he ask me out… and I turned down, cos again I just wanna keep it distance and quiet.


So….. I went out with FF for midnite… It was ok.

Tomw we the so call “powerpuff gals” are going to have our first massive salsa party at Mederia function room. So excited and cant wait to dance!!! (note: we didn’t call ourselves “powerpuff gals” cos Gloria almost killed us for suggesting. She said if we do that, she will have to hide the next time she goes union… hahaha….

Final closure

I really dunno how things turned out to be so out of hand. Right now I just felt that there’s no point explaining or talking further; it’s really the best to just leave things as it is. Status co. He was so mad abt the whole blog thing that I wrote abt him and I really have nothing to say if he chose to think of me differently.

Ofocs it does hurts knowing that a person once so dear choose to think of me in another way… the last msg from him was; I had helped him reaffirm that he made the right choice to want out. I said, “same here, we both helped each other to confirm that…”

It’s sad and hurtful saying or hearing all that he said to me yesterday… but we still had all those unpleasant exchanges knowing how much it will hurt the other party…I guessed all these will only stays deeply at our heart in a painful corner.

Anyway life goes on, I stand by my theory, “Everything happened for a reason.” I guessed this relationship opens up an avenue of myself that I never knew. I can only work on it to make myself a better person, not for anyone but for myself.

This should be the final closure of … ...

Tomorrow will always be a better day … …

Disrespect !

I was really upset this afternoon. :(

He posted his blog up in his friendster site. He wrote abt us and what went wrong that resulted to the break-up. I was upset and pissed when I read it.

I know I cant stopped him from writing anything and publishing in the web. I was upset becos it was done in his friendster account. Reason:

1) He has got 160+ friends, and a lot of which are not ple who are close anyway.
2) We have quite a lot of common friends and some of them I’m not very close with definitely not comfortable letting them know too much of a details abt my private life.
3) a number of people in his account are ple from union sq and they are ple I do not really know too, thus sharing my private life with them is not what i like.
4) everyone knows everyone is some sort linked in friendster. I have friends in my account as well that I do not want them to know too much abt my past and what had happened between my ex and me.
5) Although no name is stated, ple know abt me still…
6) I do not like others to judge me becos of what he had written. It’s very one sided, that is his side of story and I have mine as well. So ple who knows me and him reading it MIGHT judge me differently. Friendster is all linked.

He can blogged it somewhere else, where I’m not linked to him, my friends are not linked to him. Not at friendster where he had all his contacts be it closed or not closed to. He might as well publish it in the papers… such a disgrace! If he doesn’t want face, I do care abt mine.

I only choose to tell ple I am close with my past and problems … and not the whole fucking world!!!

I asked him to remove it. He said I was absurd and kicking a fuss. He feels it’s nothing wrong. To me, it’s just disrespect. If you’re writing abt someone, you need to consider abt the other party feelings and presences, not to mentioned that I was ever someone dear. This incident clearly reflect that he’s once again selfish. He once again disregard and say the things he wants to say without considering my feelings. He is only concern abt his own life and how he feels himself.

The whole thing was like a nightmare to me. Suddenly he turned into my ex boyfriend from hell. He just ended any friendship that is left between us. It’s just disappointment to me.

Meeting with him

Met up with him yesterday. He wanted to meet up, so after I got home with ken, he picked me up.

I’m really not sure what is his objective in asking me out. My take is that maybe he miss me in some way and wants to see me?! Maybe he wants to tell me what went wrong in the relationship and again reiterate that we are not meant to be together. He just needs to convince himself it’s such so that he can really let go and move on.

I have on the other hand managed very well… (I even told him that). I was really surprised by my own capability this time round. I was down for only 4days. I thought I would feel much worst than that, but I was ok.

During the talk I told him also that it was the email that sort of gave me a peace of mind. I have never been clearer after writing the email to him. I told him I was sorry that I had not supported him in his career needs and I dun know why I did that to him. I soon found out why. I also realized then he was really a fair weather person.

Anyway, He told me that we do not compliment each other and one must be full by themselves. I told him I totally agree.

I wanted to tell him that I know I was not "full" by myself. (I realized that and I will learn)… but he himself is also not complete/ full! Haha… well… it’s always easy to point out someone else mistake and keep talking abt it... but realizing your own is never easy. But I just kept quiet, cos we can talk till the cows come home, it’s never ending. As long as I realized my own and I’m clear, it’s all that matters.

The funny thing is, I already know and heard all these before, so why wanna ask me out to tell me all these again?! Cannot understand. I have already move on and doing well for the past 3 weeks, so why wan to ask me out to rake up the past again? I told a few friends today abt my meeting with him…. They ask me not to think abt it and he’s just probably selfish cos he just want to say all these to me to make himself feel beta. Maybe… but it’s not impt. What is impt is that it’s over.

Anyway It’s nice that we still can be friends.

A good dinner and coffee session

Had a enjoyable dinner with Ken at Original Sins. Thankfully he said the food is very good, otherwise he would struggle me (he said). You see, he’s a very “meat” person, so asking him to eat vegetarian food is as good as asking him not to eat dinner. Haha… so lucky, Original Sins keep up its name… I saved my neck. He insisted on paying and I felt bad…

Well we chat abt many things over dinner and coffee…. We really talk abt a lot of stuff… nonsense and serious matters. It’s amazing a guy his age is just so full of funny things and nonsense at times. Overall, it was very enjoyable. :)

Ouch

Ouch…! my leg muscle aches…… I can’t remember when was the last time I perspired that much in a short while… was it 10years ago since I tried to bladed? *gosh* yup… I guessed so, the last time I bladed was when I was with Jack. You can imagine how hilarious I looked… all scared and stiff… but I think I did all rite after half hour. I can at least move straight without holding on the rail… but occasionally going into convulsion of fear grabbing the rail for life. *laughing at my spastic self*

Oh Grace brought Yuan Yuan along to cycle, and he kept shouting “mummy.. mummy”. Then Karen told Yuan,

“Yuan can dun call mummy a not, call jie jie lah…” (cos ple will look at us
thought we so old…) haha…

Well… I will try again next week. I just have to overcome the fear. It’s all up in the mind.

Jus another Sat...

It’s strange how I relate my Sat satisfaction/ fulfillment to my salsa nite at union… the nite was not as fun as the past 2 weeks. I dunno if it’s too cramped or wat… but it’s just not as satisfying. I think bad dance = sucks nite and feeling. One of the worst dance I had for the nite was with this guy I knew last week… dun have any connection when dancing with him. Maybe becos he is too fancy esp when he’s from Jitterbugs performance team. Haha. Guess it’s not him, but me. But he has got a nice face though.

But at least I had a not too bad dinner with Keryn, Boon and Ken. It’s amazing talking to Boon, cos he’s just a born sales guy! And amazingly, we all sort of belong to the same industry!!

During supper, Ken commented that if I’m really such a simple gal… I would have easily settled for a guy *pondering on that*… … He asked me what sort of guy I think he is; I didn’t really answer cos I have yet to figure out. Basically I dun think he’s easy to read. Bottom line, it takes time to really know a person thoroughly.

Fav performance

Got a few nic pic over the festival, these few performances were really impressive. so i tot will be nice to share with everyone....

I thought I'll put this up (the video) as this is my fav performance over the weekend. Firstly it's jj performance team and secondly my idol is one of the dancer there. I rush to the front to have a good look... but a pity he's standing at the far end... *evil grin*...

Singapore Salsa Int'l Festival 2006: jjsalsarengue team

My "best" friend in Union

At times i seriously wonder why some ple are just so curious abt my life;

It's so freaking irritating when the person constantly asked ard if I'm still attached, why am I arriving at union alone nowadays, why is "he" at union alone, why aren't we talking, ,... and even if we're no longer together we still can be in talking terms, why mr x and me on such good terms nowadays...

Geeze... can she be more irritating than that? And the worst part is, she never dare ask me, all she does is behind my back asking my friend and even went to ask francis, "where is tricia?"... Duhz....?! why ask the obvious?! WTF ?!?!?!

It takes all sort of ple to make the world round....! Well at least now I know I have such a concern friend from usq! haha...

Me... broke the record ? ... YES ! :)

It was an eventful weekend indeed... ...

Well, most of my friends could guess it… salsa!

Haha wat else rite ? (I can hear ple screaming… Anything new?!) *grin* (sorry it’s salsa …, pls bear with my only past-time … for now…)

Oh the highlight…

Yesterday I took part in breaking the Guinness Book of Records for the largest Rueda Circle with 176couples!!!

Horray!!! It was a nerve-racking wait for the last 30couples.. and at a point I thought we’re not able to make it! Thankfully… otherwise what a waste rite?

Hmmm.. I’ve something to tell my grand children in future… hahaha….


Ok, something stupid and embarrassing happened while I was dancing with a guy…(who’s quite cute)… He’s quite fanciful in his moves with lots of turn himself… at a point, I dun know how, he was holding my hand and brushes it against his face and HIS GLASSES FLEW across the dance floor… !!! Damn… I got a shocked!! I quickly picked it up and THANK GOD that no one stepped on it… I dun know to laugh or to faint … anywaz… again, I made something silly out of my dancing passion… AGAIN….. *sigh, shake head*…

“Duhz…. Are you sure I’m really into dancing ?!”

But me being the usual thick skin and bo chap person… I was happily dancing again almost immediately … but was not so shiok yesterday cos din dance much… maybe only 6songs.

Btw, I got a ride home, yet the person gave me $50 bucks…! Haha… I had better remb to pay him back… dun want a pig head at my door.

Wobbly legs

Surprisingly, I had great fun today. I thought it would be too packed to enjoy but it’s good! I dance a lot, to the point I almost trip and fell when walking up the Mac Donald stairs. My legs were wobbly.. haha.. I’m not the only one, Keryn and others as well.

But at least my bones didn’t arched… well maybe if I’m 35, it might… *laughing*

***

Maybe I’m not so old after all …. Cos I can still watched my 24 Hours despite reaching home at 3am. Oh it took me 1hr+ to get home from Pasir Ris. Haha… blame it on my bad sense of direction!

TKSS nite

Today’s gathering was fun, better than I expected. Besides the usual (Fan, Keiji, Nick), PL came. Fan and myself couldn’t quite recognized him. Not surprising since the last time we seen each other was when we were 16!

(Again, I’m cursing my damn phone… I simply hate this camera!)…

We all have grown up… ! But I think PL changed the most among all the others. Something he said during that nite, kinda strike me thinking.

He said, “Even if we’re attached, we should not live the life of our partner, but our own ….” I know what he meant, and I totally agree now. He told us why some relationship fail is becos some couples try too hard to fit into each other’s life and a routine. We should in fact continue to live a life of our own even if we’re in a relationship. I guess this couldn’t be more clear to me now. But then again, he also told us his gf also complain abt him not spending enough time… haha… Gals ….you love and hate them at the same time !!

Well, I gained inspiration from someone else's remarkable transformation...

I called ... ...

I tried calling him yesterday but he didn't picked up my call, guess he must be busy but then he also didn't want to return call. Actually I just want see how he was and hear his voice, that is all. After all we were together once, it is really not easy for me to just put him out of my life totally. So I just tell myself, I'll do what I feel like doing (in a rational way :) )

I'm not sure why he refuse to talk to me.... I have no idea. Probably pissed after my sms on Monday. Or probably, he's just taking the opportunity to just avoid me totally , not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore, so he won't feel bad abt any anything, or probably didn't want to talk avoiding any further misunderstanding. Actually whatever the reason, there is no point for me to wonder.

Whatever the case, the situation is beyond my control, all I can do is; I can choose to be very sad abt it, or I can choose to live well. I can be the latter... ... but I am taking it slowly. Feeling every inch of the pain (maybe I'm after all a bit sadomasochism)...haha.... anyway, I'll do whatever that makes me happy. I will take time to think abt it, learn from the whole thing, and hopefully soon I will recover and be a better person in my next relationship.

I tell myself tomorrow will be better, and the only way to witness a better tomorrow is to take a step forward to face my fears rite?

"...... there will always be a better tomorrow..."

Withdrawal syndrome plus sianz = lagi sianz (big time)

Super tired and sleepy these 2 days. :@ Something tells me is withdrawal syndromes and I’m quite sure as I’m really sleepy, restless, and lethargic. I hope I can get home early tonite to sleep. So tired… now I’m having regrets abt dinner tonite. I miss my bed, bao bao and the company of silver. I have been neglecting silver…. Oh and not forgetting freddy :D

I also feel quite sian today. I dun know when I will feel totally ok-ok. All I know is that he should be happier now. I just have to tell myself that it must be a relieved for him and he’s better off now. Well maybe I finally understand the meaning of this phase:

“Love is the condition in which e happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
.....R.A. Heinlein

No Me Ames

I found the song....! This is the song I love so much, and finally I got it.

No Me Ames" (Spanish for "Don't Love Me")

I love this song so much, somehow it gives me this special feeling every time I hear it in Union. I thought it would be so nice to use this for my wedding march in song (next time) ... ... the image of me walking in slowly and then my partner swinging me around for a salsa dance when the song pick up... *dreaming, smiling silly*.... so sweet.... :)

But now I realized it's such a sad song... how to? esp seeing the mtv. But then the translation seems ok.... I think I'm bongus... dun even have a bf yet talk abt wat wedding song... so nonsense. haha... Well, i can dream a little rite? haha....

Song: No Me Ames (English Version) Lyrics
Marc: Why are you crying?

Jennifer: Because I'm happy

Marc: Why are you so choked up?

Jennifer: From loneliness

Marc: Why are you squeezing my hand so tight. And your mind seems to be wandering

Jennifer: I love you so much!

Marc: Why?

Jennifer: Don't be so hard-headed. Stop doubting me! It doesn't matter what the future holds. I'm not afraid I just want to love you.

Marc: Don't love me because you think I'm different

Jennifer: You don't think it's right for us to spend this time together?

Marc: Don't love me because I know what a lie it would be!

Jennifer: If you don't think I deserve your love then don't love meI'm going to stay...

Marc: Don't love me because I'm lost, because I change the world, because it's destiny, because this is impossible. We are like a mirror image of each other we are one and the same...

Jennifer: Don't love me to be dying in a war of regret. Don't love me to hold me back. I want to rise above this love deserves to soar through the sky

Marc: I don't know what to say. That's the truthWhen people want to they can really hurt you

Jennifer: If you and I part now it won't matter to anyone else. In this big world don't leave me all alone.

Marc: Don't leave me...don't leave me. Don't listen when I say "don't love me"

Jennifer: Don't leave me. Stop breaking my heart with that "Don't love me"

Marc: Don't love me, I'm begging you to leave

Jennifer: You know very well I can't do that. It's useless, I'll always love you.

Marc: Don't love me. I'll only make you suffer my heart has turned cold with this

Jennifer: Don't love meto run away from your sadness. I want you to love me because you love me...

Marc: Don't love me. One day we'll soar with each other and be together forever

Jennifer: This love is like the sunthat comes out after a terrible storm

Both: Like two comets in the same galaxy

Marc: Don't love me

Jennifer: Don't love me

Marc: Don't love me,,,

Home sweet home

My day brightens suddenly…!!!! Pa is back home :)

Not enough sleep ... zzZz

It was a tiring weekend. Having so much to do and running around from home and SGH.

And it was like salsa weekend as well. Spend Friday and Sat nite at Union. I think I have never danced that much before in 1 nite. Sat nite was crazy ..... dance non stop, and for a period I dance continuously in a row for like 8 songs? I dun believe it myself….

Someone I knew recently told me that I dun seems to be a very romantic person… *laughing aloud*… I just sat there stunned not knowing how to reply.... I dun know what I’ve said to made him felt that way, mayb I’m really not romantic sort, I dun know... No one ever told me that before. :D

It’s also interesting hearing about finding the “right treasure box” theory.

Well…. seeing another established, not too bad looking, and single guy; just sets me wondering if he’s another of the "weird" ones… haha… Well, giving him the benefit of doubt, he’s just still looking for his treasure box that fits. *wink*

Amen

Does anyone ever remember how life was without computer back then?? I can’t imagine going back to those days without computers, broadband, etc…. *sigh* can die man. How boring can it be!!!!!!!!!! Help……HELP! *double sigh* Yes, I’m depressed cos I lost my sole entertainment during the nite! *sob*

…. My laptop died on me on fateful Tues. Amen… RIP.

I hate the chore of finding another. Shitty feeling knowing that you’ve to re-install back all the you’ve in there all these while… Erhh… wait a minute, am I still talking abt buying laptop or wat? sound also much like finding someone huh... … hahaha….

I think I’m in a crazy and cranky mood today. FGIF, I love you!!!!!!!!

salsa salsa.....

Have been thinking a lot abt dancing these few days.

I’m feeling the itch for it, esp not dancing for so long. *laughing aloud*. It’s like a craving that comes, or rather like an addiction. I though not dancing for so long, I will soon forget this past-time, but…. Surprisingly, it didn’t just go away, in fact I craveeeeee…….. for it. Aaahhhhh……..

Well not that I dance damn well and groovy like some of the gals there… but I dun care… I just dance for the fun and the simple way. Oh last week at ADS party, I think I dance stupidly. :D My gears refuse to move… hahaha… I gotta add some oil this week. Better buy a good grade type and make sure it doesn’t squeal. Hahahaa……

You know what’s the greatest motivation? It’s hearing from a very good dancer that I dance rather well and smooth. *blushing*

Emotional issues

Not the easiest week having to deal with different emotional issues.

It’s heart breaking seeing pa’s health deteriorating by the days. Just when you think nothing can get any worst, the doc told us that his cancer is in advance stage, probably only 3 mths. Radiation and chemo will only help to prolong to maybe a year.

In the past months, many docs have been telling us the same thing, but each time the pain is still new and fresh. It’s like a stab into the wound each time the doc tell us something like this. We’re all still bearing hope that he’ll be ok soon, to at least enjoy some time with us. We’re constantly telling ourselves to be strong for him and guess we’re doing pretty well in staying positive so far. But I think no matter how strong a person is, hearing that his days are numbered is very disheartening. Probably no amount of words can describe how bad he must have felt. Pa is one of the strongest (mentality) and most positive men, I think for his age. His will to learn and motivation is amazing…. Yet 2 days ago, he suddenly crumpled into the mercy of the cancer. It’s so sad seeing him so frail, hardly able to talk and walk now. So painful seeing him like this… …

The only thing that I kept telling myself constantly is I have to be there for him, to pull him up again. I know I can do it.

Moody

I don't know what to say, just that my heart hurts.

OFC (Operation Flying Cockroach)

The whole house almost turned yesterday when out of nowhere, comes a flying cockroach!! It really freaked my sis and me out…. Screaming and running frantically. Mum just sat there looking at us laughing :@ You might think that she look cool, but she’s also afraid of catching it! So we have no choice but to wait for wai to come out of the bathroom. He’s our only hope !!! Yes ofcos, he managed to chase it a few rounds whacking it (missing most of the time) and finally got it smashed. Phew... Can you imagine if wai is not around?

Talk abt cockroaches. I remembered how Al would come all the way to Regentville to just help me catch a cockroach in my bathroom and take a bus all the way back home. Sigh… memories. Guess not a lot of guys will do that.

The last I heard…. Al is getting married next year.

I've got a new hair style

Oh the highlight of this weekend.... my new hair-do... basically I'm still very fascinated with my new look ...

But Fran said there isn't much difference... *puzzled*... he said I look the same. Men!! sometimes are just dense.

Ter Kar Kai

Fran gave me a week supply of pork for my dad. Took it from his factory yesterday, on the way back from salsa. He had it minced and chopped and readily packed. Such a sweetie pie. :)

smell the roses.......

There had been quite a number of movies lately (Devil wears Prada & Click- the two, I last seen), abt us being able to choose the kind of life we want...

- a soaring high flying career path or
- a simpler family focus life.
I guess I choose the latter.

I dunno if I'm laid back or wat... but I think I tend to want quality time with my love ones. Watching this movie kinda made me realized how very much I want a husband who will always be there for me and my kids. Is it so difficult to be able to find such a guy after all? I think humans have this tendency to be greedy. They sourced for money and power. First they just want to be a manager, next it will be dept manager/ to be made a partner in the business, following which it will be director.... you see, it's never enough and one will never be satisfied with just being there. Nothing is enough, and there will always be more out there to go for.

So where's the end?

I think the other thing abt a lot of Singaporeans is, they are too focus on earning money that they tend to forget their health totally. They are too busy working day and nite that they don’t even have the time to sit down with their family even for a proper dinner. Often dinner is some ta bao from hawker center and eating in front of the tv, worst at 10pm? ... how healthy!

Next they worked so hard that they forget to exercise, it’s an excused abt having the saying, "I'm too busy for this and that... (blab blab blab...). WTF !! Come on you only get to live once. We're only at our 20s once, 30s once... ..... if we miss doing wat we can do not at this age, what more? There's a zillion things we can do now, to experience, to try to learn, to go for before it's too late. Ofcos it's never too late for anything but wat I'm saying is, at this age it's impt to learn to balance our life (at work, social, our health, our family, etc). It's not all abt work and work.....

Guys and gals out there.... pls learn to take some time off, try doing some things that you've always wanted to do but lack the time.... it can be ... yoga, Pilates, dancing, sky diving, diving, going to the gym (not training to be some hunk but just general toning), brisk walking, sailing, watever... just do it!!!

.... most importantly learn to, stop and smell the roses.......

Papa is home !!!!! :)

Papa is finally discharged today!! Yippee…..

Today when I got home, saw him at the same place he normally sits to watch his tv, suddenly he look so thin. He really lost a lot of weight and it’s so painful seeing him so frail. Doc say he will have to build up his health with lotsa protein to prepare for the chemo in few weeks time. We’re all hopeful that he will do well in fighting this illness. Positive thinking!

Pa, you can do it…!! We’re all with you :)

Wedding speech

Was watching a show the other day and during one of the scene, the father of the bride said something to the couple. The phase really strikes me…... I think it’s very meaningful that I have to write it down….

“No matter how grand and how unforgettable the wedding may be. It only last for a day... but the marriage is for life.

After you say I do, the other party will become the most important person in your life. Non matter what happen in future, you both will never leave each other…”

Pretty well said! I love this.

Get well soon :)

Pa is in hospital. It's the first time he's staying in the hospital. Doc said he needs to go for a surgery on wed to remove some growth in the pancreas that is causing a blockage leading to the liver complication. it's going to be quite a major operation. (i'm scared). But there is really nothing I can do now but to just keep my finger cross and hope and pray for the best.

I just have to be strong.

The Break-up

Saw this with Francis yesterday. This movie is so real. I guess many times we’re often caught in similar situations…. Our pride, stubbornness and willfulness caught us right off guard. Often, it started with something small but ended up in a situation where it suddenly erupted to a break up.

All I really want was just some attention (most gals) and as for the guys, all they want is to just love her. Seems so simple: “to just love her”… but somehow, how it was being carried out by the way a guy thinks best is not exactly the way the gal wants. Well I guessed… small things add up, and if you don’t take the time to nurture the relationship, it finishes in natural death.

***

**Some great lines from the movie**

J: I don’t feel that you appreciate any of it, I don’t feel you appreciate me. And all I wanna know is just for you to show me that you care.

V: Why didn’t you just say that to me

J: Gary, I tried, I tried.....

V: Never like that, You might have said some things to imply it, but I am not a mind reader

**Another Scene**

V: Brook this whole thing has really been tough on me, and I have tried to act like it hasn’t been tough on me but the 1st Sunday after you and I broke up, it all kinda hit me. And I think it partially hit me because Sunday was sorta always our day where we would do stuff together, but I didn’t have any idea that you still cared so much and you know, I saw you crying the other night, That was honestly the worst moment in my life.

V: Look, I know that I have caused you alot of pain, and the funny thing is that all I wanted to do was make you happy, I just wanna make you smile. I had alot of time to think about some of the things that went on, and I know I don’t always do the right things or always say the right things, but I am willing to try to do things differently.

V: But I realize that that's not the point. I realize that the point isn’t that at all. Because it’s not about doing things, that you love to do always, it’s about doing things with the person that you love. And I love you.

V: Give me 1 second here, I have missed you so much, I promise you brooke, that I will do whatever it is I have to do, to never hurt you again. I love you, I am sorry....

J: I don’t feel the same way. I don’t think I have anything left to give. I am sorry....

**Another Scene**

J: Gary, you know there are a thousand things I would have done differently

Happy 4th month ...

My dressing....

Had lunch with Francis just now... that was nice seeing him for a while :)

The first thing he said to me when I got up the car,

" can you be anymore casual than that?"

:@ Duhz...

(NOTE: I was wearing a Burberry blouse with a white Mango pants and sharp heels)
Look, let me clarify and get this straight for everyone....

1) we are in a manufacturing company.

2) we are situated in some industrial estate,
3) Everyone in my office dresses casual. Even my boss wears a polo T on Monday, sometimes everyday. Even my big boss does that. A lot of the girls wears jeans and sandals to work.... (and I'm wearing a pair of heels and I just dun understand why he say it doesn't go... ?! I think baby's fashion sense is very traditional).
3) we have no need to meet anyone - NO one, and no customer will EVER drop by our office (the only people we do see is the auntie who cleans the toilet, the construction guys who works next door and sometimes they walk ard semi naked, the FEDEX / DHL guys who collects mails for us, postman, and some sales man that comes knocking the door... etc).
4) It's not a culture even in the company to dress very formally. Esp in the factory side, no one wears a tie everyday not even my directors or MD. If ever one day someone wears a tie to work, that person will be classified as weird. oh the only people who wears a tie is our suppliers when they come for meeting.
5) for gals, it's a norm to wear blouse and it's a norm to be without collar!!! Most of the gals blouse or tops do not have a collar anywaz...

Seriously wat does he expect me to wear? Suit and tie?!?!! haha

Shutter speed, WB, ISO...

I finally gotten down and start fiddling with my camera 2 days ago...

*Gosh* never knew it can be so difficult to understand and so much to play abt! well it's never too late to find my passion and love for it... I'm sure I can managed esp with a little of my Dad's genes in me (that is an head start already), additionally I am more inclined towards my left brain, which boost creativity bringing up some of my the artistic flare occasionally.... plus I certainly have an eye for beauty, so with such capabilities, how can i not be a good photographer huh?!

haha ... talk abt being "thick-skin". *tsk tsk*

Lesson 1: by Meng Yao (my teacher)
Adjusting of the :
- white balance
- shutter speed
- ISO
Rather excited abt trying out what I've learn... :)

Tutorial Q for me to think abt: How to create a sense of vehicle motion, but in the day?

My Ans:

Use a SLOW shutter speed, follow the subject as it moves, and then press the shutter button as you pan. The vehicle will appear sharp but background will be blur.

That is theory... now I just have to test out my practical skill.....

A long shutter speed can be set at night to record car headlights as trails.
(abt 15secs)

**












Exposure time 20 seconds

Must aim to be able to capture the above pics .....

Something inspirational

"It takes 2 halves to make a relationship work. However, the 2 halves must be full by themselves first"

"Something worth thinking abt....Can anyone fully explain this phase?"

Just felt like a pot of roses...

Yipee it’s Friday again... ...

9 days to quarter end

It’s 9 days to quarter end….

I’m close to meeting my target for this quarter, hopefully I will continue with high orders for the coming 1.5weeks to close it well. :@ *scary*. Dun wanna have my efforts go wasted esp after pushing so hard for the past few weeks to finally be on track again.

I think I need a break badly. Just feel like going somewhere, anywhere is fine actually, just get away for a while will be relaxing. But then again, I have no where to go, and no one to go with! Haha.. My colleagues always “suan” at me saying I’m the only one (besides my boss) with vacation days but no one to take with, one of them even said she will accompany me if I’m willing to pay for her trip… wot nonsense. I might as well get a hunk if I’m paying for her… (I told her that) haha… :D

Monday is finally over… yeah! 4 days to weekend…. … :)

Wot can I say...

It’s another usual Sunday where I’ve nothing to do and nowhere to go again. Well it’s really not surprising cos I thought I should have gotten used to it by now.

You know wat what the frustrating thing is? Having a bf yet he doesn’t have time for you constantly. Knowing the fact that he’s busy with his work, so there is nothing much I can complained abt as well. This is frustrating. I have trained myself to adapt that he won't be seeing me on weekdays and now I have to even trained myself to not see him or go out with him on a Sunday.

Well I dunno, wat can I say...

ok... I'm bitching.

It’s never easy knowing what you want, but it’s always easier knowing what you do not want.

It’s him always doing what he wants to do, what he likes to eat, what he wants to watch, … which all these is perfectly fine with me. But when I do say I want to do something, or eat something, or watch something, somehow we always end up in arguments. Beats me…?

For instances like, I said I want to eat Still rd crab, he won't go cos there’s a Q. I dun often say I want to eat something in particular, it’s very rare coming from me, but even when I mentioned he won’t go. Likewise at times, I mentioned I wanna go somewhere, several times he will not want cos it is either too hot, too crowded, or abt the q-ing again. So often it’s always abt him disliking something and the stubborn him just won’t give in. I cannot stand it; it is getting on my nerves. Yet every time I tried to talk abt it, we end up quarrelling cos he thinks I’m unreasonable. Which to me, it’s perfectly normal for a gal to think like that.

He’s just so MAN that at times he don’t :
* see my point of view,
* give the attention I want as a woman,
* understand that I just needs to talk abt things to feel better, not necessary with a solution but just talk.

At times I just want : (I said at times, not always)
* To hear something (sweet) that assure me that this is the guy I can rely on when I am: (A) feeling down, (B) feeling lousy, (C) feeling naggy, (D) when I’m full of complains. (E) or when I’m in one of those mood…
* To feel pampered (not with gifts) but with lotsa loving moments.
* Wants to throw a little of my girly temper and be spoilt like a little gal by the man I love.

No one is perfect, every gal out there has a little of my everything (defines as my nonsense by him).

Yet he wants me to be always sensible and be practical. Actually I sometimes feel that he might was well married a block of wood. Come on, I’m a GIRL after all. In fact I beginning to feel I’m really condemn, and so lousy abt myself. He makes me feel very suppressed at times.

I can’t complain to him cos I dun know why he simply dun gets it and I will feel even more terrible abt it. The phobia of talking to him and he not understanding is so great that most of the time I choose to just ignore or swallow it.

Guess I’m in a real bitching mood today. I need to let of some steam at times… … no harm just me bitching...

??!?!

At times I find it extremely difficult to relate to him. There is some things that he does that I simply cannot understand and relate to. By feeling this way, it sort of frustrates me not knowing what to do to improve the situation. And when I get frustrated becos I do not know wat to do, I probe more into it and by doing so, it frustrate him.

And when I get mad abt the situation and his funny thinking, he simply ignore me and not wanting to make the situation better (a lot of times he does that). It really pisses me off when someone just ignores me.

Somehow, I dun know what’s wrong, it seems like I dun understand a lot of the things he do, why he does that and such…. *sigh*

First wife club

Had a quiet outing with the gals (Ida, Grace, Karen) @ Rochester Park – Bristro bar. Very nice and cosy ambience with no mosi…

***

I think I can just conclude the Nokia phone sucks at night taking… maybe only this model cos my previous one quality is much beta…well I’m pretty sure this model 6280 is not using Micron’s memory, that’s why… haha…

*

Anyway, we had some good talk… 4 gals and 3 of us formed the first wife club…

I so glad Karen is copying so well with her divorce. Just 4mths and she had managed to sell her house and lawyers proceeding are on the way. Talk abt speed… ! sigh… I just dunno why mine dragged that long.

She mentioned that she’s very much at peace with herself already esp after the talk she had with her husband and the china gal. She said some things she just have to see it herself to believe and to really move on.

We also talked abt straying men, how some men are just so stupid to tell their wives the whole truth. At times I wondered,

“ignorance is bliss?”

I couldn’t help but felt that it could be after all.

Well... we’re at least fortunate to say that we’re self sufficient. However despite all, we all admitted that it’s tough to be alone and we still want a companion in life after all… ... ...

A Quiet Friday

Yipppee… finally it’s Friday!

It was a quiet week at work due to my customer’s quarter end week. Hope next week would be beta.

Anyway, I’m not meet Francis tonite as he’s meeting his friend. :(

Dun wanna join him just in case he feels that I’m stalking on him… haha… So I will go home tonite for dinner, then if I’m feeling up to it will pop by at Union for a dance (with Grace and Karen). Dun think got any mood to party tonite. Going for my health check tomw morning so I’m really worried. :@ Just have to keep my fingers cross that everything is going be ok … … *scared*

How's the weather today?

Feeling restless today but with lots of work to complete so it’s just another of those days that I wanna just sit there and dream yet I’m not able to do so…

"Btw, it’s bad hair day today… just feel that my hair is everywhere but the nice
and correct place."

Got lotsa new ideas lately; thought of taking Rumba, Waltz, Photography, Bikram Yoga, Pilates, etc… the list just goes on… Francis said my interest changes faster than the weather! Well that seems like me. Told him, at least my interest in him is still there. ;p

"oh, It had been a week since I started taking bus to work!! This is certainly an achievement so far… I deserved a pat! Keep it up!"

Such a boring week, think I need to think of something to spices up my life…maybe should go partying this Friday, but then … seems like no party kaki lately. Everyone seems to have retired or too busy.

"Gotta think of something quick before my party and happening mood changes…. hahaha "

3 months probation is up ...

The Lake House

Just finished an amazing movie called “The Lake House”. It must have been ages since I last watched a romantic movie…. So touching.

How amazing the author to have thought of such story line. How 2 person of a different time can finally meet and get together. Destiny pulls them together and fate plays a big part to help them realized their dream to be together.

It’s indeed a fantasy, yet dun we all love such fairy tale? I couldn’t help but wondered, does such love ever exist? Somehow I guessed destiny is in our own hands, we just have to fight hard for what we believe in to happen.

All my life, I’ve been searching, searching for something that makes me truly believed that is the one…..

So sad

Had my first major quarrel with Francis…

It started with me wanting to go to MOS. Since I haven’t been there before, I thought it would be nice to have a look esp with my baby. But he simply refused to go and insisted that I go alone. I couldn’t understand why he was so resistance abt going there, since he hasn’t been there before and is only a club. He strongly stick to he stand that he dislike it and couldn’t understand too why I want him to do something he dislike… me on the other hand, couldn’t comprehend. To me it’s a simple thing, I would go where my other half wants me to even if I dislike it, so I just can’t understand where he was coming from.

I think the jest of it is:
1) he simply refuse to give in
2) he simply refused to talk abt it to clear it up, becos he feels that he has done nothing wrong and this whole thing is just nonsense to him…. So I was angry and upset becos he didn’t want to talk for over 2 days and 2 nites…

sigh… it’s really torturing. I hate dragging arguments to the next day let alone it went on for 2 nites… it was so painful, esp on Thursday nite where he can still go out to union to have a drink and dance, instead of talking it over with me… it literally drives me to the wall….

I actually spend the whole nite thinking if he’s someone I want to spend my life with after all. I felt so hurt that the person I love can let me go on feeling terrible and upset… cos he still went out to have fun (like everything is fine). I couldn’t help but think that he’s really quite heartless after all. I understand too that it is the way he handled such situations. He won’t talk when he’s angry…. But seeing me so upset isn’t that enough to make him stop for a moment put aside his principle aside and talk to me to settle things?!

I almost walked away last night. In fact I did. I was so hurt by one of his statement… he said,

“ I have to do that so that you’ll learn…”

What’s he talking abt? You dun do that to someone you love dearly? You dun wanna see the person you love feeling sad and hurt.

I’m not any of his subordinates that he wants to teach a lesson! I’m his girlfriend and I felt I deserve more respect than that. I won’t do something so harsh just so to teach a person I love a lesson. He didn’t do anything wrong that is for sure… it’s only very him being so straightforward, and handling it in his way, which to me is very harsh. I don’t fault him in anyway; I just came to realized that nite this part of him that I never knew. It’s painful, till now it still hurts when I think of that.

I walked away… but couldn’t find my way out of that ulu place… so ended up having to call him to bring me home. That was how we got back together…

I’m not taking this relationship lightly. I guessed I freak out hearing what he said to me.... anyway, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away yest although I tried. It’s too painful to. Somehow the emotion side of me still stands firmly with him.

I'm 30 !!!

I’m 30 !! I finally entered the big THREE ! Gosh! I dun quite believed it myself, or so I choose to live in denial… …

One of my most fearful thought of entering into the 30 zone is looking old! :@ Secondly is not having enough money… so one of my aim this year is trying to save. Haha… yeah, have been telling myself that and I just have to do it.

This birthday, I had a wonderful time with Francis.

We celebrated for 24hrs (in a way)… started with movie, “Hookwinked”. He had been talking abt this and all excited. Good choice as it’s really funny.

My bday present surprise was presented to me in his car glove compartment. With him telling me that there’s no spare for my sunglass anymore and he had moved it out from the compartment to the side door pocket. Ofcos me being curious to see what had taken the space opened and ….. Surprised !!!!….

***

My gift # 1. It’s a cute figuring written “A SPELL OF TRUE LOVE”. He said it’s meant for me to put in the office, to remind me of him.


After that we check into Albert Court. I think it’s a nice hotel except for their poor services he complains abt and said never to go back there. Other than that, everything is pretty decent. Very Peranakan style, pre-war shop house architecture, a cross road between the old and the new concept. I like it.


Dinner was fantastic too…. At Clark Quay, this Italian rest called “Via Veneta”. Very yummy… must go back there to try out the other dishes next time.

My fav "rocket" salad with fran's fav duck... Buon appetito !!

***

***

** **
They are so generous with their serving that, non matter how hard we tried we couldn’t finish!! Haven’t eaten that much for so long… the duck coated with a layer of pastry is yummilious... and the clams, never seems to end…

***

**

And ofcos my Birthday cake .... with baby singing for me :)

Ofcos we finished the nite prog with salsa at union sq… haha where else rite!! Well I enjoyed myself as long as it’s with him.

***

Oh… I had my gift #2 later in the nite. Hidden under the blanket was a 1000pcs jigsaw puzzle that he made for me... ... I was so touched!! I was so moved and touched. To think that he’s so busy everyday yet he still find the energy to make me that puzzle. So sweet…. I think I was really taken aback and was speechless for a long while.

I really love it.