Round the clock

I came back from st james only to find that pa condition is looking real bad. It was so worrying that we have to take our turns to stay by him 24hrs. I came home at 2am, showered and went straight to the hospital.

I only want to spend every min with him, even if it's just holding his hands....

Sweet coffee ?!

Ever tasted sweet coffee ? Well I did... this afternoon at Cheese Cake Cafe. ;) I swear the coffee even without sugar and cake never tasted any sweeter. *chuckles* **wink wink**

My Celebrity Look-alikes

My cool celebrity look-alike collage from MyHeritage.com. Get one for yourself.

Mon nite at dragonfly!

I was back at st james yesterday nite (dragonfly). Not that I love that place so much but I was so sotong on friday that I left my card there.

Met des there and as usual talking to him is a nite full of laughter. Dun asked me what is so funny cos I dun really remb the jokes, just that we can talk abt anything and I simply love to see the "nothing more to say" face. I wondered at times that we can chat so freely and happily, is it becos we have no expectations for each other? It's very interesting to think abt if we are really a couple can we still joke at freely as now? Well, maybe? but on the other hand would your partner be angry if a joke was made on how cute/pretty is that gal or guy? I think to a certain extend; it would be be ok to joke abt such stuff but not all the time. And there's also some stuff you will joke with your buddies and friends but not your bf/gf. hmmm.... mayb that's why me and des we're having such great time now, cos we're enjoying each other's company with no expectations.

We also talked abt how strange to know him after such long time. I told him abt how Justin and cheryl got all excited to wanna find his no and how justin bump into him saying that it was fate. It was funny. But if it was fate, it’s one again tempting me with the impossible. :D Such a nice boy, but such a waste that he's still "lost" or rather too "single" for anything. haha

I still wonder how he remb me during poly days... Duhz!! I look so 'goon' then. anyway watever…

3am @ cafe del mar :x

Siow Giok came back from aust. All of us met up to go st james. Nite ended earlier than expected. Des came to meet me and we ended up at café del mar. Though I was there only once with darl, it still reminds me of him. Des asked if we’re getting back together and that we shd since I love him so much. I didn’t know what else to say.

We were there till 430am. He had to cancel his golf game becos he was supposed to wake up at 5am for his game. Haha… that silly boy. But I felt bad abt it.

The after effect

The problem with me is that I’m a very impatient person. I hate the agony of waiting for something and esp answers. My no 1 killer to someone’s patient. I pissed people off by keep pressing for an answer. I know…. Sometimes I slap myself after I’ve done it. I used to be worst… much worst. I already improved but it’s still not good enough… I have to do beta than now.

I voiced out my feeling of breaking up with fran… not becos I dun love him anymore or not becos I dun treasure what we have or not becos I was flicker abt r/s. I thought through the whole nite not sleeping and all that came to my head was wat happened that nite, and how I couldn’t make him happy. I must say his words came back to me many many times, and each time it cuts deeply.

How can a person so dear think of me as such.

I felt like a selfish bitch only placing my own problems first. Then I also thought abt the glitters I saw on his face… I was disturbed and sad when I saw it and naturally I kicked a big fuss…. But thinking back, ok I believed him. What to do with so many bitches out there who like to stick their sticky oily face to him. *Yucks* well i was thinking to myself these few days of how the situation that nite could have been better handled by both. Self-reflection. Ha.

The only thing that went thru my mind on sun was that i was not good enough for him :(

It’s so painful these few days. I realized he is the first person I had let into my life after Patrick. Is the passion and love I had for him enough? I know I hadn’t been good enough for him. I’m sure he can find someone much beta than me. I guessed this time is more painful than the last time… sigh.

I tried.... I tried... I really tried

It was a sad weekend and a bad start to the week.

Thinking back, our r/s started as such that i do not expect very much from him, to a point I do not know if it's healthy or not. i have accepted the fact that we do not always need to meet, even on Friday nites. cos I have a phobia from our last try that he feels suffocated. I also fear that if he tried too hard to commit he will realized that he is after all not ready.

I dun see a vision in the r/s. No expectation, no vision of future plans, no security. but every time I see him, I feel very comfortable. I feel so at ease with him. I really do want to share all his joys and sorrows and be with him always. We joke and laugh abt each other silliness, we scold each other and yet still laugh abt it. we can talk abt anything.. .... Is this love?

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
- Robert Anson Heinlein

yes I do want him to be happy, and I know he needs his own space to be happy. I tried my best to give him that, but it's just not enough and maybe it's really beyond my means to fulfill his happiness.

I am happy whenever I see him. Just seeing him for a while makes me smile. I can think of some of the silly things we do and smile to myself at times. I really want to build a life with him, a vision, some future that I can see myself in. Not just living by the day. I guessed I am very much a vision person. I need to see something in my r/s. Actions speak louder than words. Promises to the future will not work for me, it is the things we do together, the trust we gained and the building of the r/s together that matters.

We're lucky that we experience many obstacles in our short span, such as family crisis and money issues. These will help to strengthen or killed it. haha... if we can pulled thru all these together, we will know how to deal with it in future. Some couples get to experience such crises only when they are married and shock to discover the truth of the other person.

My dad's health is a classic example of how each couple deals with such setbacks in time of needs. Darl definitely didn’t do any wrong, just not the way I would have handled it or support my partner. so I told myself not to fault him.

But I guessed I didn’t do it well enough cos he told me something that hurts deeply. "just becos your world stop, that doesn't mean the world have to stop for you." I am shocked and hurt, cos i never knew he could think of me in such a way. I never ever expect anyone's world to stop for me least him. I don't bring my sorrows everywhere I go.

I tried so hard yet at the end of the day I get this result. I suddenly dun know what to do anymore, I tried.... I tried... I really tried... but I guessed I’m still me and it's still not enough to make him happy. It hurts not becos of the efforts I felt had gone wasted but a realization of how he perceived of me. At that point I told myself that there's no point in trying anymore.

Everything went all wrong on sat nite... seeing him at movida 4am unexpectedly, happily dancing. At that pt, I ask myself he's really happy and he love his party life more than wanting to spend some time with me when I'm down? He chose not to tell me he is there so that he will have a peaceful nite partying and drinking? Seeing glitters on his face, takes my anger to another level.... and to make matter worst... what he told me above.... All in one nite.

I cried the whole nite, cos I'm lost. I dun know how I can do anymore to make things work. I tried so hard yet it's not up to his expectations. :(

Angry with myself ?

Had our first quarrel after we gotten back together.

It happened over the weekend. Although it is like the first after so long, it all seems so familiar. Again it’s abt going somewhere on a Friday nite…. (why am I not surprised rite?) haha.

But it does come as a surprised that he came to look for me in Bellini room. I was still angry, I am a petty person at times (I think), and so me still in my grouchiness gave him a cool shoulder. But I guess his charming flair won me over. :) by the end of the nite I was no longer angry, in fact I would love to hug him for a long kiss (if not for his fres being all there…) damn…

Actually I left the nite feeling something else too…. I was rather disturbed by the fact that he’s so high yet he is still out partying. I hate to think what can actually happen and he not remembering a thing is definitely not the most comforting thought. I choose to put the thought away, but it keeps coming back these few days.

The thought of; if he’s that drunk and high to the extend of not remembering a thing, how can I trust that he is behaving when partying? I get angry and mad with myself for getting angry and mad at something beyond my control/ means. Least of all, pissed... cos I am losing faith and confident in him… I don’t know if I shd be talking abt this, cos he didn’t do anything wrong, just that his clause of actions makes me worry. Sigh… guess I should leave it as it is. After all we’re leaving our own life’s, and time will tell if we can accept each other.

My nite at Movida ... ...

Cafe Del Mar

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Went Cafe Del Mar (sentosa) with Princess pinkie, Donavan, & fran. Nice place. I wont mind going back there again. but fran was complaining of the sun and heat etc.... so I guessed I wont be going back there with him again. :(

I really like lazing in the sun, if not under the shades with sea breeze. Feels so relax and calm. But it's something that he hates .... at times I wonder what does he likes ... ?! haha.... I finaly met someone who's more of an indoor person than me.... haha

Mummy's Bday

It is mummy bday today. :)
We went out for a family dinner at Swenson’s @ changi airport. Every such occasion, I thank god that my dad is doing well.

A sweet surprise

I was totally shocked when I received a bunch of flowers from darl !! It really took me by surprised and was shocked beyond words. I couldn’t believe it for a while and stood there in a daze for few secs. Haha. I was so touched.

It’s really very sweet and thoughtful of him. He knows I was down the past few days.

This really brightens up my mood and spirit immediately. :)

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Toto.... I want to win !

ok I conclude the hot topic these 2 days over lunch and any free time in office is :

TOTO !!!!!!!!!!!! 10M dollars!!!

Everyone is talking abt it… everyone is saying how and what they are gonna do when they strike… well…. Too bad for them.. cos it’s gonna be me! :) hehe….

SHOW me the Money…. The 10million!! Yippee…. ME ... ME... me... it's going to be Me...

Ok first thing I’m gonna do:

- Check into a posh hotel near paradise center…for ease of collection. (hmmm, maybe Raffles hotel with my whole family). Cos staying home isnt’t going to be safe anymore. Until I collect my money….

- I will just quietly stay indoors cos I wont be able to stop laughing and grinning…. I will smile like a crazy woman…. so ple might guessed that it’s mie that strike the toto… so staying indoors is saver…

- Start surfing the web for houses to buy… and which bank gives the best interest rates…

- Early sat morning with dark panda eyes … collect my $$ !!!

- Bank in my $$.

- Shopping with family…. Gonna buy my wallet that I have been talking abt for 2 years…. Buy my LV bag, buy my mum few bags, and dad the latest cannon camera, my bro a car, my darl a nice belt, and many many hugo boss shirts since he complain I only buy him G2000 shirts.

- Then I will go home sleep.

How nice…. :) so happy! Pls let me win, I will be a good gal.