3 months probation is up ...

The Lake House

Just finished an amazing movie called “The Lake House”. It must have been ages since I last watched a romantic movie…. So touching.

How amazing the author to have thought of such story line. How 2 person of a different time can finally meet and get together. Destiny pulls them together and fate plays a big part to help them realized their dream to be together.

It’s indeed a fantasy, yet dun we all love such fairy tale? I couldn’t help but wondered, does such love ever exist? Somehow I guessed destiny is in our own hands, we just have to fight hard for what we believe in to happen.

All my life, I’ve been searching, searching for something that makes me truly believed that is the one…..

So sad

Had my first major quarrel with Francis…

It started with me wanting to go to MOS. Since I haven’t been there before, I thought it would be nice to have a look esp with my baby. But he simply refused to go and insisted that I go alone. I couldn’t understand why he was so resistance abt going there, since he hasn’t been there before and is only a club. He strongly stick to he stand that he dislike it and couldn’t understand too why I want him to do something he dislike… me on the other hand, couldn’t comprehend. To me it’s a simple thing, I would go where my other half wants me to even if I dislike it, so I just can’t understand where he was coming from.

I think the jest of it is:
1) he simply refuse to give in
2) he simply refused to talk abt it to clear it up, becos he feels that he has done nothing wrong and this whole thing is just nonsense to him…. So I was angry and upset becos he didn’t want to talk for over 2 days and 2 nites…

sigh… it’s really torturing. I hate dragging arguments to the next day let alone it went on for 2 nites… it was so painful, esp on Thursday nite where he can still go out to union to have a drink and dance, instead of talking it over with me… it literally drives me to the wall….

I actually spend the whole nite thinking if he’s someone I want to spend my life with after all. I felt so hurt that the person I love can let me go on feeling terrible and upset… cos he still went out to have fun (like everything is fine). I couldn’t help but think that he’s really quite heartless after all. I understand too that it is the way he handled such situations. He won’t talk when he’s angry…. But seeing me so upset isn’t that enough to make him stop for a moment put aside his principle aside and talk to me to settle things?!

I almost walked away last night. In fact I did. I was so hurt by one of his statement… he said,

“ I have to do that so that you’ll learn…”

What’s he talking abt? You dun do that to someone you love dearly? You dun wanna see the person you love feeling sad and hurt.

I’m not any of his subordinates that he wants to teach a lesson! I’m his girlfriend and I felt I deserve more respect than that. I won’t do something so harsh just so to teach a person I love a lesson. He didn’t do anything wrong that is for sure… it’s only very him being so straightforward, and handling it in his way, which to me is very harsh. I don’t fault him in anyway; I just came to realized that nite this part of him that I never knew. It’s painful, till now it still hurts when I think of that.

I walked away… but couldn’t find my way out of that ulu place… so ended up having to call him to bring me home. That was how we got back together…

I’m not taking this relationship lightly. I guessed I freak out hearing what he said to me.... anyway, I couldn’t bring myself to walk away yest although I tried. It’s too painful to. Somehow the emotion side of me still stands firmly with him.

I'm 30 !!!

I’m 30 !! I finally entered the big THREE ! Gosh! I dun quite believed it myself, or so I choose to live in denial… …

One of my most fearful thought of entering into the 30 zone is looking old! :@ Secondly is not having enough money… so one of my aim this year is trying to save. Haha… yeah, have been telling myself that and I just have to do it.

This birthday, I had a wonderful time with Francis.

We celebrated for 24hrs (in a way)… started with movie, “Hookwinked”. He had been talking abt this and all excited. Good choice as it’s really funny.

My bday present surprise was presented to me in his car glove compartment. With him telling me that there’s no spare for my sunglass anymore and he had moved it out from the compartment to the side door pocket. Ofcos me being curious to see what had taken the space opened and ….. Surprised !!!!….

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My gift # 1. It’s a cute figuring written “A SPELL OF TRUE LOVE”. He said it’s meant for me to put in the office, to remind me of him.


After that we check into Albert Court. I think it’s a nice hotel except for their poor services he complains abt and said never to go back there. Other than that, everything is pretty decent. Very Peranakan style, pre-war shop house architecture, a cross road between the old and the new concept. I like it.


Dinner was fantastic too…. At Clark Quay, this Italian rest called “Via Veneta”. Very yummy… must go back there to try out the other dishes next time.

My fav "rocket" salad with fran's fav duck... Buon appetito !!

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They are so generous with their serving that, non matter how hard we tried we couldn’t finish!! Haven’t eaten that much for so long… the duck coated with a layer of pastry is yummilious... and the clams, never seems to end…

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And ofcos my Birthday cake .... with baby singing for me :)

Ofcos we finished the nite prog with salsa at union sq… haha where else rite!! Well I enjoyed myself as long as it’s with him.

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Oh… I had my gift #2 later in the nite. Hidden under the blanket was a 1000pcs jigsaw puzzle that he made for me... ... I was so touched!! I was so moved and touched. To think that he’s so busy everyday yet he still find the energy to make me that puzzle. So sweet…. I think I was really taken aback and was speechless for a long while.

I really love it.

Home Sweet Home

I’ve finally moved home! Well there’s really no place like home after all… feels good. Mummy and papa really did put in so much effort to make the room as comfortable as possible for me… every little details are taken care of. I feel so fortunate to have such caring parents who dote on me so much.

Later in the evening, I met up with Keryn, Gloria, Sean, and Desmond at O’Brian. And I sure did get a pleasant surprised when they came out with a chocolate cake (from NaNa).... you see... Gloria and my b'day is the same day, first time I know someone whose b'day is the same as me :)

The 2 birthday gals...
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*happy birthday to u... happy birthday to u....happy...

*Making our wishes and blowing our our candles ...

Hehe… so sweet of them. Thanks gals.... :)

A pity fran was not there with me.... anyway, after the cake cutting session and 4 slices of cake later... ... we went down to Thumpers together. As usual, I had great fun dancing with him, so sensual. Hehe…

Oh saw Tom there with his gf… goodness, she seems so sweet, really do look like his idol (zu ying). He also seems so into her, hugging her whole nite, never letting go. Even Gloria was laughing abt their mushy behavior. Well, so I saw my once idol gf today! Haha….

Horray going to spend the full whole day with Francis tomw….

Satisfaction

"hmmm..... ....."

A friend sends me some funny pics today. I came across this particular one that reminds me of Francis. Immediately I have to log on to enter this….. *laughing aloud*

Fran will always have this satisfied look and expression after a GOOD meal. It will be written all over his face, this “orgasmic” look… expressing,

“wow, that was really satisfying and good”.

Next he will mostly continued on saying,

“now will be better if it’s followed by … …”.

(A) A beer and a smoke.
(B) A good sex.
(C) Just lay in bed cuddling (cos too full to move).
(D) pu pu.
(E) All of the above!

Today, he had A and D. Ofcos the above will only be accomplished he is around … … (needless to say). *chuckles*

A quiet weekend

I’m moving home! Less than a week more, and yet I haven’t started packing. Finally I made the big decision to move back home to stay with my parents. It’s indeed a tough choice to make esp having stayed out for the past 7 years or so. Maybe deep down I never really wanted to move home cos somehow moving back reminds me of my failed marriage. After all, getting married was the reason I moved out. Well it’s time I faced reality.

Francis told me that one of my aim should be to revitalized my life. Guess this should be the first step.

Anyway, going to be a very busy week of packing to do. Lazy….. …. Just thinking abt it.

Oh I’m looking forward for the next weekend… (my birthday) Yippee…

Differences

I poured out my frustration yesterday night. I think I felt a little better after that, not sure abt him though if he can take what I said. It's strange how 2 person who seems to share the same vision in life and love can in reality have such different perception in the meaning love and relationship.

I recalled what Evelyn told me yesterday. She said that even if a couple shared the same goal but it could means differently. E.g Both couple named "warm" as what they want in a relationship. To the woman, "warm" might means a lot of loving moments, holding of hands, hugs, having the person constantly around...; However to the man, "warm" means having to earn more money to provide a better place for the partner, to be able to shelter her, having a nice and warm place to go back to... The same meaning of "warm" both wanted but both have different perception. I think this is when communication comes into play, otherwise they will never know they have differences in their expectations.

He told me that everyone has a different way of loving someone... yes that fact I'm aware and have accepted it these past months with him.

Well, the most challenging and detest part of being in a relationship is discovering these differences and going thru working about it. It's a test of our determination again... ...

Lousy @ work

It’s one of those days that I feel totally lousy at work…. So many issues creep up and waiting for immediate actions. A big headache! How I wished that I could just leave. But somehow I know that it’s just not packing and leaving. It will probably follow me. There are no excuses for any of these problems, so I dun know how to complain or talk abt it as well. Cos I think deep down, I feel non matter what, it’s always somehow bad management on my part. I have been telling myself, that I should never leave a job becos of a push factor, and I can only leave my job becos of a pull factor. So far it had been the case. I dun know how long I can live by that theory. Knowing me, the weaker side of me always takes over the rational side of me. sigh… weak me.

I think I’m in my mid life crisis, or rather I’m at this cross road of my career path that seems to be heading no where. I dun think I’m earning much, could have been better?! But then again, I’m not a person that compares with my peers, and I’m happy with what I have so far. So why am I still feeling down abt my career? Maybe sub consciously I want to achieve more but just lack the drive and motivation. I always tell myself that I am never career focus person, a person just contented with just having a job. But every now and then I wished I had a more challenging job… haha… see confused gal.

Well, a lousy day like this, the only consolation at the end of the day is seeing someone you love. Knowing that the person will always be there for you non matter what, having a comforting hug, a sweet kiss, a loving hand in hand walk, a good meal, and finally a good laugh is all that it takes to make your day better.

The Right One ?!

Had a long 2hrs+ talk with fran yesterday nite ……. We talk abt many things…. … shared our views but overall it was very enjoyable. I think it is heart to heart truthful exchanges.

One interesting thing we discussed abt was “Finding the right one”. He believed that there is no such thing as “the right one”. Rather it is meeting the person at the right time. You can meet the right person but timing could be wrong. He also said that there is no “the one”, it is more of making things work for each other. Things dun jus fall into place, it is making things work.

So the question I have is, how to know if it’s the right timing? Haha… see there is no end to it all.

Overall, I think since it is diff that we can find someone that we feel so right about, we should treasure what is before us and think positively to make it work.

Someone made an offer for my hse !!

Someone finally made an offer for my hse… it’s good news...

..... Bad thing is they refused to take any of the furniture’s along with it… I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want them, they are so nice! Anyway it’s a headache even thinking abt how I’m going to pay the agent fees and lawyer fees for the sale of the hse. To make matter worst, I really hate contacting him. I dun know why but hearing his voice reminds me of the past, memories with him. Mostly I felt only sadness and hurt. *sigh* Talking to him gives me some weird feelings…. …

Maybe I am not that noble…….

I remembered Francis telling me several times; when a relationship ends, the only thing that last is the happy memories with the person, and how he will only remember these happy memories. I’m not as “da fan”and noble as him. To me, memories are a thing of the past. I dun believed in the Chinese phase of “bu zhai hu tian chang di jiu, zhi zhai hu chen jin yong you”.

Anyway, hopefully the owner will do a good deed to suddenly want to pay me some cash for the stuff…

Being READY

...on your mark, ready GO!!! .... (photograph taken by bloob bloob limited)

Had a good weekend. Although the Fri “date” nite didn’t turned up as planned it was still nice. Instead we went union sq, supposed to be watching soccer there with keryn and Alvin, but the place is too packed and no where to sit, so we just had a few salsa dance. Fran suggested we go thumpers to join his friends there. I’m ok with it too. As long as we’re spending time together, it doesn’t really matter where to me.

(Germany won by penalty shoot out…..).

Anyway had a really long good nite sleep till 3pm on sat. Haha…Supposed to go for Still road crab with his salsa friends, but he was so shocked and put off by the long Q that we ended up eating somewhere else. Well, guys… I think they just dun like q-ing for food non matter how good it is. Sigh… no choice.

After dinner, is the usual Sat routine of going to Union sq. I spend the whole sat nite, hardly dancing. (no one asked me to dance since now I’m attached …??! Still trying to figure that out… beats me…). anyway I was in the lounge watching and cheering my head off for Portugal… good thing they won.

Well today was another long eventful day. Started with a not so fantastic and expensive Japanese lunch with Gloria, Keryn and partners. Food sucks, I tell myself, never to go back there. We went west coast after that to take some photos… since now I’m into photo-taking with my new toy (digital SLR), there is no escape from any such outings without it… … I think I pity Francis, he probably will develop phobia very soon whenever he sees my camera… I think one day, he will ran and hide. Haha. Dinner was spend at his Grandma hse. It’s heart warming to have finally met her for the first time. I know how much he adores and look up to her.

Although he didn’t say it, I knew he was tired. He did suggest that we head home after lunch today so that he could work. I think I gave him a disappointed look that sort of made him changed his mind and spend the whole day with me. It sort of sets me thinking and feeling bad about it. I couldn’t help but felt that he seems obligated to spend the time with me. I think he is putting in a lot of effort and energy trying to balance out his time now. He now needs to adjust and adapted that he now has a gf in his life as well. Isn’t that so hard on him??

I brought this up for a little discussion. Asking him if he’s ready after all. Maybe he long for his carefree days. I think the answer from him is yes, he does miss his carefree days…. But he just need to learn and adapt to this situation now…. He also mentioned that one will never be READY. No one will ever be ready to be settled or married. It just has to happen and one will learn to be ready when the time comes…

Well that sure sounds scary to me. was it something that I never knew?

13 years ago ...

Warren send out an email invite for a class gathering this fri nite... but alas... no one can make it! how sad. Nonetheless, his email with photos flashes back many laughter's and memories. Goodness, how much we have all aged ... we did come a long way together, to be constantly in touched every now and then, that is a good thing. That is for sure an effort on everyone's part.

I am very lucky to have met this bunch of friends...

(Keryn, Jenny, Caroline, Aiping, Warren, Sean, Sharon, Alan, Ivan, Max, Viper, Ken, Francis, Huiling, Paul, Cedric... ...) and many more...

I think we're one of the most united class?! I remembered how we used to sit behind the lecture hall reading magazine, chatting, sleeping, dreaming, playing cards, anything but listening to the lecturers’. haha... once we made so much noise that the lecturer got rather mad and asked the last 2 rows to stay behind after the class to lecture us! haha...

Some memorable stuff :

- skipping class on day 1 with Keryn to go Orchard to shop! talk abt hitting it off immediately! haha.. gals...
- I celebrated my 17th birthday at Fire disco. Booked a Karaoke room there, and most of the class turned up. (yeah, I know Fire disco!! :@ ) ... That time was my first time going to disco! Talk abt starting out late in life..... :) After partying went supper with Keryn at Dennis rest and spend the nite at her place.
- running ard with Sharon, just to catch a glimpse of my "big big" eye guy (my senior and I think his name is Dennis?!)
- we gals (or rather my group) only makeup and dress up better on every of our last exam paper. Cos it's a norm that we party after the last paper with the whole class…
- I remembered during our 2nd year we had a D&D at westin. I played a plank on a guy (Derrick) and he was rather mad at me. I have to run to the dance floor with my class guys just so they will hid me away from him... :D Had my first slow dance that nite with....
- Joined the freshmen orientation as one of the group leaders and organized the Jam & Hop nite... and the response was overwhelming.
- we had 3 “stunt” men in our class… (max, viper and paul). Well they tried to be but failed, and it remains a joke till date.
- we often have bbq and chalets. We do have lotsa fun, “tonging” nite at east coast.
- I received my first Valentine ’s Day flowers from I think 2 guys. Cos someone in school was selling roses….*sigh* at the age of 18?! Gosh, see late bloomer again… :D
- well a guy from my lecture sang me a few love songs over the phone, that was sweet.
- how we used to study only during the study week, clamping few months work in a week into our brains… I think it’s a miracle how we pulled thru. Oh, we’ll ask our group “xiao hau” to go take notes from her admirers… ;p
- how we used to sign attendance for each other.
- oh man, the list just goes on and on… … *chuckles*

Thinking back, how I missed those days… so carefree and happy.

I was looking at the photos that Warren send…

Do we look so “goon” then ? oh gosh, where is our fashion sense? Our hairstyle, dressing is so yucky… well maybe retro in it’s way. :D It’s really interesting to see how much we’ve all evolved with time … …

Well, one thing for sure. We’ve all changed for the better and wiser.

A Sweet Monday Morning

Started my morning with a pleasant surprised from fran.

First he called me to wake me up at 715am and it was then I found out that he had not slept the whole nite (working on his project); next I received a call at 8am asking me to look out the window; and gosh... he was downstairs waving at me :) I was so happy and just lost of words... even thought of jumping down to hug him, but I was on my bath tower... haha... That silly boy went to buy me breakfast, and he even remembered that today is "Chu Yi" so he got me veg noodle! I'm so touched. At that moment I wished I could just hug him and not let go...

Dreams are reality waiting to happen

I reckoned my unstable behavior the past 2 days is due to my PMS... :D well I guessed it did affected my mood swing... ... haha.... see one good thing abt being a gal is the ability to blame mother nature's beautiful creation of female beings.

Woman are emotional creatures, at times we just need to feel the assurances from the person we loved, to hear the words that we hope to hear, just so to know that we are on the right path. (I guess that was what I expect from Francis). Actually I was really quite angry with him being so hard on me (sometimes). He doesn’t understand why I am so unsecured (ok, maybe he forget at times). Well, despite knowing what I had gone thru, he still thinks I’m unreasonable and demanding. That is really hurtful. It’s not like I want to be “crazy” at times, it’s just my insecurity acting up again…. Why are men such rigid and stubborn creatures, or are they simply plain ignorant? Where has their creativity senses gone too? *sigh*… no wonder so many gals are turning les these days… hahaha….

Some serious tots did go thru my head as well. One thing for sure is I cannot continued to live in my own shadows and nightmare. I have to pick myself up to get out of this "trusting crisis". How much so I want to protect myself, I need to open up again. This is something I need to do for myself and my future.

Every chances we takes involve some kind of risk, at times it could be a risk worth taking while other times, it could be a risk taken to learn something.

"Everything happened for a reason".

The only way to witness a better tomorrow is to face my fears and take a step forward right?

I once told a friend ... ...

"Dreams are reality waiting to happen."

The biggest failure is to stop chasing your dreams and drowning ourselves in sorrows. Many of us have fallen, we just got to master our will and courage to pick ourselves up. If we do give up, then all is lost and we'll never know the possibilities that could be realized...

Meanwhile, I will continue to be in this beautiful dream.

Some quotes...

Evelyn gave me something to read before she left.... some sort of quote book... she selected a few for me:
(one of which...)

" I wan to be scared. I want to feel unsure. That's the only way I learn, the only way I feel challenged." ... by Connie Chung.

To say or not to say…..

I realized I’m quite a private person. I dun normally like to talk abt my problems (be it work or relationship). I guessed in this way I took my mum’s character. She’s rather quite with little complains and nag…. But I do bitch a lot.. hmmm actually I’m not really quiet “quiet” but more of dun like to open up so much. I find it hard to relate my problems to anyone, unless it’s something major!

I have a gf who can tell me her whole day complains at work or any quarrels she had with her bf… it’s amazing how she can remb every single little detail. To the point that I felt I was there to witness it.. haha….. well it might be good in some ways, it helps to release stress and frustrations. I tried many times trying to tell my gf abt my quarrels I have with my partner, but I cant seems to say much…. Maybe I’m forgetful! Haha…. Or I just dun know how to open up… (I think is both).

I have improved in the recent 2 years though, used to be worst. Probably that’s why most of my friend thought that my marriagen was so blissful then… cos I dun complain at all. It wasn’t until my separation that I start to open up and they realized that I had indeed had my fair share of problems then.

I tend to be very vocal at times. I think is the upbringing. I speak freely and not a lot of people could accept it. Esp so in a heated discussion or exchanged I am more aggressive but I dun meant it. Guess Francis had his 1st experience last Sun. sigh… I beta control my temper and tone. One remark that he made I remembered and was rather hurting was, “is this how you talk to you partner…..” In a way he was implying, no wonder they ran away. :( sigh… maybe loh.

I better do some self reflection.

Can't take my eyes off you...

It’s another sat or rather sun early morning… the usual... returning from union sq. Recently it seems like it’s no longer that much fun dancing cos maybe I dun see any improvement. In fact I dun think I have improved since i2. I dun know how I’m going on to take i4. Well just for the fun of it, plus the fact that I’m taking it with Francis. Hopefully he will motivate me more. :)

Talking about Francis…. Today I sort of felt different or rather felt more comfortable with him at union. Think I m ok with him being around me like my bf.

Partying

Went partying with francis today at Thumpers (for the first time). In fact I cant even remb when was the last time I went partying with my partner.

Saw the other side of him that I knew of but never quite witnessed it before. I couldn’t help but admitted that I am really attracted to this dangerous side of him. His charisma and frivolous attitude …. Yet the francis I know for the past one month is rather serious and tame. Tame in a sense of “tone down”. I don’t know which side of him I preferred.... ...

Well the good thing is maybe both. On the other hand, I couldn't help but wondered in my mind; how long he will last being the “guai” and tone down him. Is he really being himself? Would it be at the end of the day, he still preferred his single carefree days of partying. A fear that I felt that one day he would be telling me that I should have known how he was on the day I know him.

Yes I know I’m being cynical again. Couldn’t help it, but just wondered…..

Good time bad times...

“Everyone can go thru the good times, but how many can pull thru a bad times.”

When I heard this… it really sets me thinking about my past experiences and future.

What I went thru in my past relationships….did it fail becos we didn’t or couldn’t go thru the hard times together in solving all problems? I guessed a lot of couples out there enjoyed the bliss of a peaceful relationship so much that when the hard times comes, they are just lost and didn’t know how to handle the changes… it’s always easier to run, taking the easy way out of a problem.

It sort of sets me thinking…. Will I be like that too? How strong will I be? Am I a fair weather person?