Final closure

I really dunno how things turned out to be so out of hand. Right now I just felt that there’s no point explaining or talking further; it’s really the best to just leave things as it is. Status co. He was so mad abt the whole blog thing that I wrote abt him and I really have nothing to say if he chose to think of me differently.

Ofocs it does hurts knowing that a person once so dear choose to think of me in another way… the last msg from him was; I had helped him reaffirm that he made the right choice to want out. I said, “same here, we both helped each other to confirm that…”

It’s sad and hurtful saying or hearing all that he said to me yesterday… but we still had all those unpleasant exchanges knowing how much it will hurt the other party…I guessed all these will only stays deeply at our heart in a painful corner.

Anyway life goes on, I stand by my theory, “Everything happened for a reason.” I guessed this relationship opens up an avenue of myself that I never knew. I can only work on it to make myself a better person, not for anyone but for myself.

This should be the final closure of … ...

Tomorrow will always be a better day … …

Disrespect !

I was really upset this afternoon. :(

He posted his blog up in his friendster site. He wrote abt us and what went wrong that resulted to the break-up. I was upset and pissed when I read it.

I know I cant stopped him from writing anything and publishing in the web. I was upset becos it was done in his friendster account. Reason:

1) He has got 160+ friends, and a lot of which are not ple who are close anyway.
2) We have quite a lot of common friends and some of them I’m not very close with definitely not comfortable letting them know too much of a details abt my private life.
3) a number of people in his account are ple from union sq and they are ple I do not really know too, thus sharing my private life with them is not what i like.
4) everyone knows everyone is some sort linked in friendster. I have friends in my account as well that I do not want them to know too much abt my past and what had happened between my ex and me.
5) Although no name is stated, ple know abt me still…
6) I do not like others to judge me becos of what he had written. It’s very one sided, that is his side of story and I have mine as well. So ple who knows me and him reading it MIGHT judge me differently. Friendster is all linked.

He can blogged it somewhere else, where I’m not linked to him, my friends are not linked to him. Not at friendster where he had all his contacts be it closed or not closed to. He might as well publish it in the papers… such a disgrace! If he doesn’t want face, I do care abt mine.

I only choose to tell ple I am close with my past and problems … and not the whole fucking world!!!

I asked him to remove it. He said I was absurd and kicking a fuss. He feels it’s nothing wrong. To me, it’s just disrespect. If you’re writing abt someone, you need to consider abt the other party feelings and presences, not to mentioned that I was ever someone dear. This incident clearly reflect that he’s once again selfish. He once again disregard and say the things he wants to say without considering my feelings. He is only concern abt his own life and how he feels himself.

The whole thing was like a nightmare to me. Suddenly he turned into my ex boyfriend from hell. He just ended any friendship that is left between us. It’s just disappointment to me.

Meeting with him

Met up with him yesterday. He wanted to meet up, so after I got home with ken, he picked me up.

I’m really not sure what is his objective in asking me out. My take is that maybe he miss me in some way and wants to see me?! Maybe he wants to tell me what went wrong in the relationship and again reiterate that we are not meant to be together. He just needs to convince himself it’s such so that he can really let go and move on.

I have on the other hand managed very well… (I even told him that). I was really surprised by my own capability this time round. I was down for only 4days. I thought I would feel much worst than that, but I was ok.

During the talk I told him also that it was the email that sort of gave me a peace of mind. I have never been clearer after writing the email to him. I told him I was sorry that I had not supported him in his career needs and I dun know why I did that to him. I soon found out why. I also realized then he was really a fair weather person.

Anyway, He told me that we do not compliment each other and one must be full by themselves. I told him I totally agree.

I wanted to tell him that I know I was not "full" by myself. (I realized that and I will learn)… but he himself is also not complete/ full! Haha… well… it’s always easy to point out someone else mistake and keep talking abt it... but realizing your own is never easy. But I just kept quiet, cos we can talk till the cows come home, it’s never ending. As long as I realized my own and I’m clear, it’s all that matters.

The funny thing is, I already know and heard all these before, so why wanna ask me out to tell me all these again?! Cannot understand. I have already move on and doing well for the past 3 weeks, so why wan to ask me out to rake up the past again? I told a few friends today abt my meeting with him…. They ask me not to think abt it and he’s just probably selfish cos he just want to say all these to me to make himself feel beta. Maybe… but it’s not impt. What is impt is that it’s over.

Anyway It’s nice that we still can be friends.

A good dinner and coffee session

Had a enjoyable dinner with Ken at Original Sins. Thankfully he said the food is very good, otherwise he would struggle me (he said). You see, he’s a very “meat” person, so asking him to eat vegetarian food is as good as asking him not to eat dinner. Haha… so lucky, Original Sins keep up its name… I saved my neck. He insisted on paying and I felt bad…

Well we chat abt many things over dinner and coffee…. We really talk abt a lot of stuff… nonsense and serious matters. It’s amazing a guy his age is just so full of funny things and nonsense at times. Overall, it was very enjoyable. :)

Ouch

Ouch…! my leg muscle aches…… I can’t remember when was the last time I perspired that much in a short while… was it 10years ago since I tried to bladed? *gosh* yup… I guessed so, the last time I bladed was when I was with Jack. You can imagine how hilarious I looked… all scared and stiff… but I think I did all rite after half hour. I can at least move straight without holding on the rail… but occasionally going into convulsion of fear grabbing the rail for life. *laughing at my spastic self*

Oh Grace brought Yuan Yuan along to cycle, and he kept shouting “mummy.. mummy”. Then Karen told Yuan,

“Yuan can dun call mummy a not, call jie jie lah…” (cos ple will look at us
thought we so old…) haha…

Well… I will try again next week. I just have to overcome the fear. It’s all up in the mind.

Jus another Sat...

It’s strange how I relate my Sat satisfaction/ fulfillment to my salsa nite at union… the nite was not as fun as the past 2 weeks. I dunno if it’s too cramped or wat… but it’s just not as satisfying. I think bad dance = sucks nite and feeling. One of the worst dance I had for the nite was with this guy I knew last week… dun have any connection when dancing with him. Maybe becos he is too fancy esp when he’s from Jitterbugs performance team. Haha. Guess it’s not him, but me. But he has got a nice face though.

But at least I had a not too bad dinner with Keryn, Boon and Ken. It’s amazing talking to Boon, cos he’s just a born sales guy! And amazingly, we all sort of belong to the same industry!!

During supper, Ken commented that if I’m really such a simple gal… I would have easily settled for a guy *pondering on that*… … He asked me what sort of guy I think he is; I didn’t really answer cos I have yet to figure out. Basically I dun think he’s easy to read. Bottom line, it takes time to really know a person thoroughly.

Fav performance

Got a few nic pic over the festival, these few performances were really impressive. so i tot will be nice to share with everyone....

I thought I'll put this up (the video) as this is my fav performance over the weekend. Firstly it's jj performance team and secondly my idol is one of the dancer there. I rush to the front to have a good look... but a pity he's standing at the far end... *evil grin*...

Singapore Salsa Int'l Festival 2006: jjsalsarengue team

My "best" friend in Union

At times i seriously wonder why some ple are just so curious abt my life;

It's so freaking irritating when the person constantly asked ard if I'm still attached, why am I arriving at union alone nowadays, why is "he" at union alone, why aren't we talking, ,... and even if we're no longer together we still can be in talking terms, why mr x and me on such good terms nowadays...

Geeze... can she be more irritating than that? And the worst part is, she never dare ask me, all she does is behind my back asking my friend and even went to ask francis, "where is tricia?"... Duhz....?! why ask the obvious?! WTF ?!?!?!

It takes all sort of ple to make the world round....! Well at least now I know I have such a concern friend from usq! haha...

Me... broke the record ? ... YES ! :)

It was an eventful weekend indeed... ...

Well, most of my friends could guess it… salsa!

Haha wat else rite ? (I can hear ple screaming… Anything new?!) *grin* (sorry it’s salsa …, pls bear with my only past-time … for now…)

Oh the highlight…

Yesterday I took part in breaking the Guinness Book of Records for the largest Rueda Circle with 176couples!!!

Horray!!! It was a nerve-racking wait for the last 30couples.. and at a point I thought we’re not able to make it! Thankfully… otherwise what a waste rite?

Hmmm.. I’ve something to tell my grand children in future… hahaha….


Ok, something stupid and embarrassing happened while I was dancing with a guy…(who’s quite cute)… He’s quite fanciful in his moves with lots of turn himself… at a point, I dun know how, he was holding my hand and brushes it against his face and HIS GLASSES FLEW across the dance floor… !!! Damn… I got a shocked!! I quickly picked it up and THANK GOD that no one stepped on it… I dun know to laugh or to faint … anywaz… again, I made something silly out of my dancing passion… AGAIN….. *sigh, shake head*…

“Duhz…. Are you sure I’m really into dancing ?!”

But me being the usual thick skin and bo chap person… I was happily dancing again almost immediately … but was not so shiok yesterday cos din dance much… maybe only 6songs.

Btw, I got a ride home, yet the person gave me $50 bucks…! Haha… I had better remb to pay him back… dun want a pig head at my door.

Wobbly legs

Surprisingly, I had great fun today. I thought it would be too packed to enjoy but it’s good! I dance a lot, to the point I almost trip and fell when walking up the Mac Donald stairs. My legs were wobbly.. haha.. I’m not the only one, Keryn and others as well.

But at least my bones didn’t arched… well maybe if I’m 35, it might… *laughing*

***

Maybe I’m not so old after all …. Cos I can still watched my 24 Hours despite reaching home at 3am. Oh it took me 1hr+ to get home from Pasir Ris. Haha… blame it on my bad sense of direction!

TKSS nite

Today’s gathering was fun, better than I expected. Besides the usual (Fan, Keiji, Nick), PL came. Fan and myself couldn’t quite recognized him. Not surprising since the last time we seen each other was when we were 16!

(Again, I’m cursing my damn phone… I simply hate this camera!)…

We all have grown up… ! But I think PL changed the most among all the others. Something he said during that nite, kinda strike me thinking.

He said, “Even if we’re attached, we should not live the life of our partner, but our own ….” I know what he meant, and I totally agree now. He told us why some relationship fail is becos some couples try too hard to fit into each other’s life and a routine. We should in fact continue to live a life of our own even if we’re in a relationship. I guess this couldn’t be more clear to me now. But then again, he also told us his gf also complain abt him not spending enough time… haha… Gals ….you love and hate them at the same time !!

Well, I gained inspiration from someone else's remarkable transformation...

I called ... ...

I tried calling him yesterday but he didn't picked up my call, guess he must be busy but then he also didn't want to return call. Actually I just want see how he was and hear his voice, that is all. After all we were together once, it is really not easy for me to just put him out of my life totally. So I just tell myself, I'll do what I feel like doing (in a rational way :) )

I'm not sure why he refuse to talk to me.... I have no idea. Probably pissed after my sms on Monday. Or probably, he's just taking the opportunity to just avoid me totally , not wanting to have anything to do with me anymore, so he won't feel bad abt any anything, or probably didn't want to talk avoiding any further misunderstanding. Actually whatever the reason, there is no point for me to wonder.

Whatever the case, the situation is beyond my control, all I can do is; I can choose to be very sad abt it, or I can choose to live well. I can be the latter... ... but I am taking it slowly. Feeling every inch of the pain (maybe I'm after all a bit sadomasochism)...haha.... anyway, I'll do whatever that makes me happy. I will take time to think abt it, learn from the whole thing, and hopefully soon I will recover and be a better person in my next relationship.

I tell myself tomorrow will be better, and the only way to witness a better tomorrow is to take a step forward to face my fears rite?

"...... there will always be a better tomorrow..."

Withdrawal syndrome plus sianz = lagi sianz (big time)

Super tired and sleepy these 2 days. :@ Something tells me is withdrawal syndromes and I’m quite sure as I’m really sleepy, restless, and lethargic. I hope I can get home early tonite to sleep. So tired… now I’m having regrets abt dinner tonite. I miss my bed, bao bao and the company of silver. I have been neglecting silver…. Oh and not forgetting freddy :D

I also feel quite sian today. I dun know when I will feel totally ok-ok. All I know is that he should be happier now. I just have to tell myself that it must be a relieved for him and he’s better off now. Well maybe I finally understand the meaning of this phase:

“Love is the condition in which e happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
.....R.A. Heinlein

No Me Ames

I found the song....! This is the song I love so much, and finally I got it.

No Me Ames" (Spanish for "Don't Love Me")

I love this song so much, somehow it gives me this special feeling every time I hear it in Union. I thought it would be so nice to use this for my wedding march in song (next time) ... ... the image of me walking in slowly and then my partner swinging me around for a salsa dance when the song pick up... *dreaming, smiling silly*.... so sweet.... :)

But now I realized it's such a sad song... how to? esp seeing the mtv. But then the translation seems ok.... I think I'm bongus... dun even have a bf yet talk abt wat wedding song... so nonsense. haha... Well, i can dream a little rite? haha....

Song: No Me Ames (English Version) Lyrics
Marc: Why are you crying?

Jennifer: Because I'm happy

Marc: Why are you so choked up?

Jennifer: From loneliness

Marc: Why are you squeezing my hand so tight. And your mind seems to be wandering

Jennifer: I love you so much!

Marc: Why?

Jennifer: Don't be so hard-headed. Stop doubting me! It doesn't matter what the future holds. I'm not afraid I just want to love you.

Marc: Don't love me because you think I'm different

Jennifer: You don't think it's right for us to spend this time together?

Marc: Don't love me because I know what a lie it would be!

Jennifer: If you don't think I deserve your love then don't love meI'm going to stay...

Marc: Don't love me because I'm lost, because I change the world, because it's destiny, because this is impossible. We are like a mirror image of each other we are one and the same...

Jennifer: Don't love me to be dying in a war of regret. Don't love me to hold me back. I want to rise above this love deserves to soar through the sky

Marc: I don't know what to say. That's the truthWhen people want to they can really hurt you

Jennifer: If you and I part now it won't matter to anyone else. In this big world don't leave me all alone.

Marc: Don't leave me...don't leave me. Don't listen when I say "don't love me"

Jennifer: Don't leave me. Stop breaking my heart with that "Don't love me"

Marc: Don't love me, I'm begging you to leave

Jennifer: You know very well I can't do that. It's useless, I'll always love you.

Marc: Don't love me. I'll only make you suffer my heart has turned cold with this

Jennifer: Don't love meto run away from your sadness. I want you to love me because you love me...

Marc: Don't love me. One day we'll soar with each other and be together forever

Jennifer: This love is like the sunthat comes out after a terrible storm

Both: Like two comets in the same galaxy

Marc: Don't love me

Jennifer: Don't love me

Marc: Don't love me,,,

Home sweet home

My day brightens suddenly…!!!! Pa is back home :)

Not enough sleep ... zzZz

It was a tiring weekend. Having so much to do and running around from home and SGH.

And it was like salsa weekend as well. Spend Friday and Sat nite at Union. I think I have never danced that much before in 1 nite. Sat nite was crazy ..... dance non stop, and for a period I dance continuously in a row for like 8 songs? I dun believe it myself….

Someone I knew recently told me that I dun seems to be a very romantic person… *laughing aloud*… I just sat there stunned not knowing how to reply.... I dun know what I’ve said to made him felt that way, mayb I’m really not romantic sort, I dun know... No one ever told me that before. :D

It’s also interesting hearing about finding the “right treasure box” theory.

Well…. seeing another established, not too bad looking, and single guy; just sets me wondering if he’s another of the "weird" ones… haha… Well, giving him the benefit of doubt, he’s just still looking for his treasure box that fits. *wink*

Amen

Does anyone ever remember how life was without computer back then?? I can’t imagine going back to those days without computers, broadband, etc…. *sigh* can die man. How boring can it be!!!!!!!!!! Help……HELP! *double sigh* Yes, I’m depressed cos I lost my sole entertainment during the nite! *sob*

…. My laptop died on me on fateful Tues. Amen… RIP.

I hate the chore of finding another. Shitty feeling knowing that you’ve to re-install back all the you’ve in there all these while… Erhh… wait a minute, am I still talking abt buying laptop or wat? sound also much like finding someone huh... … hahaha….

I think I’m in a crazy and cranky mood today. FGIF, I love you!!!!!!!!

salsa salsa.....

Have been thinking a lot abt dancing these few days.

I’m feeling the itch for it, esp not dancing for so long. *laughing aloud*. It’s like a craving that comes, or rather like an addiction. I though not dancing for so long, I will soon forget this past-time, but…. Surprisingly, it didn’t just go away, in fact I craveeeeee…….. for it. Aaahhhhh……..

Well not that I dance damn well and groovy like some of the gals there… but I dun care… I just dance for the fun and the simple way. Oh last week at ADS party, I think I dance stupidly. :D My gears refuse to move… hahaha… I gotta add some oil this week. Better buy a good grade type and make sure it doesn’t squeal. Hahahaa……

You know what’s the greatest motivation? It’s hearing from a very good dancer that I dance rather well and smooth. *blushing*

Emotional issues

Not the easiest week having to deal with different emotional issues.

It’s heart breaking seeing pa’s health deteriorating by the days. Just when you think nothing can get any worst, the doc told us that his cancer is in advance stage, probably only 3 mths. Radiation and chemo will only help to prolong to maybe a year.

In the past months, many docs have been telling us the same thing, but each time the pain is still new and fresh. It’s like a stab into the wound each time the doc tell us something like this. We’re all still bearing hope that he’ll be ok soon, to at least enjoy some time with us. We’re constantly telling ourselves to be strong for him and guess we’re doing pretty well in staying positive so far. But I think no matter how strong a person is, hearing that his days are numbered is very disheartening. Probably no amount of words can describe how bad he must have felt. Pa is one of the strongest (mentality) and most positive men, I think for his age. His will to learn and motivation is amazing…. Yet 2 days ago, he suddenly crumpled into the mercy of the cancer. It’s so sad seeing him so frail, hardly able to talk and walk now. So painful seeing him like this… …

The only thing that I kept telling myself constantly is I have to be there for him, to pull him up again. I know I can do it.

Moody

I don't know what to say, just that my heart hurts.