I tried.... I tried... I really tried

It was a sad weekend and a bad start to the week.

Thinking back, our r/s started as such that i do not expect very much from him, to a point I do not know if it's healthy or not. i have accepted the fact that we do not always need to meet, even on Friday nites. cos I have a phobia from our last try that he feels suffocated. I also fear that if he tried too hard to commit he will realized that he is after all not ready.

I dun see a vision in the r/s. No expectation, no vision of future plans, no security. but every time I see him, I feel very comfortable. I feel so at ease with him. I really do want to share all his joys and sorrows and be with him always. We joke and laugh abt each other silliness, we scold each other and yet still laugh abt it. we can talk abt anything.. .... Is this love?

Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
- Robert Anson Heinlein

yes I do want him to be happy, and I know he needs his own space to be happy. I tried my best to give him that, but it's just not enough and maybe it's really beyond my means to fulfill his happiness.

I am happy whenever I see him. Just seeing him for a while makes me smile. I can think of some of the silly things we do and smile to myself at times. I really want to build a life with him, a vision, some future that I can see myself in. Not just living by the day. I guessed I am very much a vision person. I need to see something in my r/s. Actions speak louder than words. Promises to the future will not work for me, it is the things we do together, the trust we gained and the building of the r/s together that matters.

We're lucky that we experience many obstacles in our short span, such as family crisis and money issues. These will help to strengthen or killed it. haha... if we can pulled thru all these together, we will know how to deal with it in future. Some couples get to experience such crises only when they are married and shock to discover the truth of the other person.

My dad's health is a classic example of how each couple deals with such setbacks in time of needs. Darl definitely didn’t do any wrong, just not the way I would have handled it or support my partner. so I told myself not to fault him.

But I guessed I didn’t do it well enough cos he told me something that hurts deeply. "just becos your world stop, that doesn't mean the world have to stop for you." I am shocked and hurt, cos i never knew he could think of me in such a way. I never ever expect anyone's world to stop for me least him. I don't bring my sorrows everywhere I go.

I tried so hard yet at the end of the day I get this result. I suddenly dun know what to do anymore, I tried.... I tried... I really tried... but I guessed I’m still me and it's still not enough to make him happy. It hurts not becos of the efforts I felt had gone wasted but a realization of how he perceived of me. At that point I told myself that there's no point in trying anymore.

Everything went all wrong on sat nite... seeing him at movida 4am unexpectedly, happily dancing. At that pt, I ask myself he's really happy and he love his party life more than wanting to spend some time with me when I'm down? He chose not to tell me he is there so that he will have a peaceful nite partying and drinking? Seeing glitters on his face, takes my anger to another level.... and to make matter worst... what he told me above.... All in one nite.

I cried the whole nite, cos I'm lost. I dun know how I can do anymore to make things work. I tried so hard yet it's not up to his expectations. :(