Highly paradoxical

Life is pretty much back the same after the sage with the doc. Working, going for my dance class once a week, movies over the weekend with diff ple, home resting… didn’t have much mood to dance lately so I sort of disappeared from union sq altogether.

I must admitted that the short thrill with the doc puts my life in a state of mess and confusion for a while. Regrets? Deep down I have to admit – yes.

I must also admitted that I am disappointed with myself esp for being so attracted to something so “posh and beautiful”…. But this is a dream that will never materialize. It took me a while to convince him to stop contacting me and finally he’s getting it and have stopped (at least for a week already)….. it’s good. It might be just as well cos after all what’s the point in staying in contact? It will only lead to more hurt for the both of us. One thing for sure is, I still do think of him. Although it was briefed… it was very different.

It was highly paradoxical.

I never judged his actions not so much, becos I was in it too. But also becos he often confided that he felt tortured that he was doing wrong… Absurdly, this reinforce my opinion of him as a good man. And what right have I to judge him, where I myself is also wrong?

Francis told me many times; there is a controllable me and a uncontrollable others. I can’t control what others will do and say but I can control my own actions and be responsible to them. So I tell myself I have to take things into control…